Waiting for the Light

I have taken to walking the trails in our woods again – as often as I can get away - and I want to bring along the camera to snap some photos of all leaves with the sun behind them and the blue sky. But we have had so many gray days, and our usual mildly autumnal leaves are dull and spotted.

I am making myself walk because I am feeling dull myself, and I hope for the energy, and sometimes even revelation, I have received from past long walks.  We’ve had a difficult semester.  The work we try to do here is challenging by any measure, but it’s been particularly so during the last months. A wise friend, when I was describing the problems we were facing, used “the woods” as her own analogy. That the things we choose to cope with – addiction, long-term homelessness, mental illness – are by their nature  “dark” and that we are making our way through a dark wood, in need of light.  A picture of myself bumbling around in the dark, tripping on roots and walking into trees, swearing at them for being in the woods in the first place, comes to me. I see myself, and it is not pretty.   

It is very tempting at times like this to grab for something, and I do sometimes. Diversions and distractions instead of help  -  entertainment by way of tv or silly movies, unhealthy food, long car trips (to the woods…), long showers, caffeine. . . they’re like neon, glowing brightly but not contributing  to peace or progress.  I make myself sit still in the morning and do my version of prayer – asking God to help me be still and listen, then thinking of all I need to do be doing or drifting off into daydreams or sleep.  I do stay with my “inspirational “reading most days – Ellsburg's Book of Saints and a book of advent reflections entitled coincidentally Watch for the Light.

The problems are big. We are small. It is a hard thing to continually bump up against that fact – day and night if you live in a house like this. It is a fact that I am as dull and spotted as our lame autumn leaves.  How does one wait peaceably for the light? Spiritual masters from many traditions say humility is core. “Remember you are dust, and to dust you will return." And certainly life, lived, backs this up.  But, just a little light please – a guiding star maybe?

Comments

[Suna]

Waiting here, too. It's what we do this time of year, but the darkness has been particularly velvety and thick this year, for so many of us.

To many, though, you are the shining star, so don't forget that.

[JillC]

As I was reading your post, I was listening to Swim by Jack's Mannequin. I saw you posted the clip when they played this song on the Daily Show. After seeing that episode, I checked the cd out from the library...and have listened to it on repeat almost daily since. One of the songs proclaims: "Big hearts are for breaking."

For advent, I've been trying to listen- intently, deliberately-to others, myself, the world around me. It's not nearly as invigorating as I anticipated-ignoring the these things or downing them out with stuff was much more blissful and less effort.

[liz]

Merry Christmas...I keep checking to see if you updated...I hope all is well...your blog brightens my day...thank you so much!